Every semester there’s a teacher that, inadvertently or no, says some hilarious things. Well, I plan to bring you that every semester, including this one. This year’s winner is my The Ocean World professor, and here are some of the things she has to say:

“This is not supply and demand. This is, like, duh.”
“That’s how capitalism works. You have to go forth and multiply.”
“First I have to explain my personal obsession with cod.”
“An entire culture is at stake here” (use of Cod in fish and chips)
“Cape Cod? Massachusetts? Same cod.”
“Oh look, an acronym.”
“So they came to the government and said [knocks on wood] . . .landshark”
“I love this fish. God, it’s just so cute.”
“It got re-named to change its identity. It’s a fish incognito.”
“Norway didn’t surprise me”
“The US because we’re greedy”
“They eat Purina fish chow”
“And speaking of chicken, what else is fishmeal used for? [The class answers]. That’s right! Chicken!”
“I just pictured a cartoon thought bubble above each of your heads with a different fish in it”
“’Fish is an important source of protein,’ it says in my notes”
“They could be completely wrong, but they’re instructive”
“That will make you happy, which is not my objective”
“My stories usually have a point – not always”
“If you want to be an ocean geek . . .”
“paleoichthyology . . . I made that up, but I think it’s real discipline”
“Oops . . .my cannery burned down. Gotta collect the insurance and move to South America”
“If you really have nothing else to do in life you can go farm seaweed . . . it’s actually pretty benign”
“I don’t really have anything to say about mollusks”
“Kill the bears, they eat too many fish”
“Let’s see if I can make you love the law of the sea”
“Kidnapping of fish . . . fishnapping”
“Does my aura look funny to you?”
“Is anyone else an Aries?”
“Someone told me that my moon was in retrograde, so I felt better cause it wasn’t my fault”
“There were no women back then, it was the sixties.”
“Why would the law of the sea hurt my knee?”
“I’m usually over [in that part of the classroom], I’m just visiting over here. . . . hey.”
“Channel surfing is an important part of my life.”
“I need a 3D chalkboard, if that’s possible.”
“ . . . and I said it was the end of my conspiracy theories”
“We conquered the Spratly Islands from the fish!”
“You can solve it by arbitration, you can have a tribunal, you can have a war, you can arm wrestle . . . usually it’s one of those first two”
“I want to make sure you have enough confusion in your mind about international law . . . it’s important to be confused.”
“Does that make sense? Not really? Good, it’s not supposed to.”
“Globalization. I don’t know what it is, but it’s happening now.”
“Go someplace safe and don’t move and watch container ships come into the bay”
“ ’Register your ship here and we’ll give you a secret bank account!’ I think that’s really considerate”
“Cod . . . don’t forget the cod”
“If I get 5 hours of sleep I can’t function. 6 or 4. It’s gotta be an even number.”
“First thing, if you want to be a pirate, you can’t get seasick.”
“At least [pirates] are still using machetes.”
“I feel like someone from Sherlock Holmes . . . or CSI . . . I love CSI . . . they’re like . . . ’evidence’”
“This is the marine equivalent of Lojack . . . Oh, I get it! It’s the opposite of hijack!”
“Can you repel up?”
“The captain is supposed to go down with the ship, so he should be turning these things off.”
“Wouldn’t that be a bummer? You hijack a ship, and it’s empty”
“They just take it . . . borrow . . . redistribute”
“Knowledge can be a pollutant”
“Aim your wrath at me!”
“I put that in the reader just cause I liked the title”
“I won’t lecture, you don’t take lecture notes. How about that?”
“I keep hoping [my notes] will magically appear. It’s kind of funny, I don’t know what I’ll say.” [She finds them] “They’re really small.”
(On hating Julia Roberts) “I’ve heard things . . .”
(On Benjamin Bratt) “He’s perfect”
“How many PCBs can you put in the water without causing an Erin Brockovich incident?”
“A worldwide turn to the right . . . [realizing] That’s your right. This is my right.”
“Thatcher . . . Reagan . . . World Bank . . .bad hair . . . The 80’s were a lost decade”
“I think the secret to the plot of the show is Ch. 13 in your textbook”
“Pause for station identification” [Drinks water] “Ok.”
“Take only pictures, leave only footprints . . . and careful where you leave those footprints.”
“We’re gonna play acronym jeopardy”
“Yeah, this is not useful, nevermind”
“This is not an erasable marker . . . oh well [draws] . . . I’ve sacrificed this overhead to make a point.”
“Well, one of the things wrong with it is you get conflicts”
“Fish aren’t always easy to predict”
“This is why it’s important to have all your t’s dotted and your i’s crossed . .. wait.”
“I didn’t know whether to write a Ph. D. dissertation or a trashy airport novel.”
“[closes door] I don’t want anyone else to hear this”
“Slideshows are fun because you just sit in the dark and do nothing”
“Fishing hurts fish.”
“What happens when you put rich yachts next to poor fishermen? Redistribution!”
“And then they came up with a logo, which is always a good idea”
“They noticed that the animal thriving most in the marine reserve was the aquatic tourist.”